Supporting Recovery: Creating Boundaries
As loved ones of those struggling with addiction, one of our greatest challenges lies in creating boundaries with them. We’re actively trying to support them and encourage their recovery. We’ve come to realize, however, that we’ve actually been unknowingly enabling their addictive patterns.
Creating boundaries in these situations can be particularly hard for us when we have a shared history of substance abuse. For many of us, a big part of our relationship included using together.
When we’re in recovery but our loved one isn’t, sometimes creating boundaries is our only choice. This can be especially true if our loved one is refusing to get help. Our sobriety and well-being might be on the line, with creating boundaries the only way to keep ourselves safe.
Many of us in this position are unfamiliar with the recovery process or are newly sober ourselves. Creating boundaries can be confusing and overwhelming when we don’t know what signs to look for and what steps to take.
Patterns of Enabling: Creating Boundaries
What are some signs we need to create healthy boundaries with our loved one? Often it’s our child or other young person who is struggling, and we realize we may have enabled or even permitted their unhealthy behaviors.
When he or she can’t respect our decision to get sober, creating boundaries is critical to our recovery. Perhaps we’ve had a history of enabling their addiction, lying for them, or covering for them with other people. If substance abuse has been a part of our relationship, we may have not only used with them but also supplied them with their drug of choice.
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction and are in need of support, reach out for professional help from a treatment center such as Athens Area Commencement Center.
Unhealthy Behaviors: Creating Boundaries
Many of us have financially supported loved ones, repeatedly and to our own detriment, only to discover that the money actually went to their drug of choice. We may have given considerable time and energy over the years, perhaps more than was healthy or sustainable for us.
Maybe they promise they’re getting help but are actually misleading us. Often it takes an emotional toll on us, as we realize we’ve been lied to yet again.
All of these behaviors constitute some of the many common patterns of enabling addiction, especially in close relationships. It’s normal for us to feel guilt, disappointment, and regret for perpetuating these patterns. Part of moving forward in recovery, though, is realizing how common these patterns actually are.
Changing Communication: Creating Boundaries
What does creating healthy boundaries look like? For many of us in unhealthy relationships, the idea of creating boundaries might be new and totally foreign to us. One way of creating boundaries is by intentionally taking space.
This can mean creating parameters around how and when we communicate. We may need to communicate only through a mediator such as a family therapist or addiction specialist. This boundary is particularly important when toxic or abusive relationship dynamics are a factor.
We might have to insist on no longer being available to them around the clock. Instead, we can make available certain windows of time when we can talk. Perhaps, most importantly, we may have to create a boundary that we can only see them if they’re not using.
The treatment programs at Athens Area Commencement Center place a strong emphasis on family counseling sessions. We know firsthand how hard this process can be and can help families heal some of these difficult patterns.
Enabling Financially: Creating Boundaries
Another boundary that can be difficult to adhere to is the decision to no longer give our loved one money. For our children or a partner who is financially dependent on us, this can feel cruel. The last thing we want is for them to suffer. Our natural instinct is to ease their hardship as much as possible.
With time, however, we realize that until they’re ready to get help, no amount of financial support from us will make them better. The more money we give them, the more we might be enabling their addictive patterns.
Seeking Out Support Groups and Therapy: Creating Boundaries
The process of creating boundaries can be incredibly difficult, especially when one or both of us is struggling with addiction. There are helpful ways we can support ourselves as we’re creating boundaries.
Al-Anon is a peer support group for the loved ones of people with substance abuse issues. Just like in AA and NA, we can share our experiences with people who understand us, and, in turn, receive invaluable encouragement from them.
With family and/or individual therapy, we can process complex feelings that sometimes stand in the way of recovery. The guilt we feel, the pain of detaching, and the grief of loss can all be worked through with the help of therapy and support groups.
While far from easy, creating boundaries and receiving support as we do, can bolster our recovery and that of our loved one.
Watching a loved one struggle with addiction is heart-wrenching. Creating boundaries with them is incredibly important, especially when our own well-being is at stake. Setting boundaries can feel impossible, often because we fear that if we stop helping them, they’ll only suffer more. For many of us in recovery, though, the patterns of loved ones enabling us only delayed us getting the help we needed. At Athens Area Commencement Center, we understand not only the challenges of getting sober but also the complex difficulties of having to create boundaries with loved ones. Our team members have firsthand experience with recovery, and we’re here to help. Call (706) 546-7355 for information.